


take my hand

by BenBitchops



Series: you make me brave [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Mentions of previous panic attacks, Panic Attacks, author used her own experiences to describe things, pre slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 14:48:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19466239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BenBitchops/pseuds/BenBitchops
Summary: Hockey changes, every game is a new challenge, but Mitch will always be Mitch and that in itself is one of the few things that keeps Auston’s sanity in check. Familiar and constant. Just how Auston likes it.—Having anxiety doesn’t define you. It’s a part of you but it doesn’t control you.





	take my hand

**Author's Note:**

> I suffer from Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and I know it’s sometimes weird to talk about our disorders but sometimes you’ve gotta scream shit out into the world. 
> 
> To my dearest Eldy, once you see who I mentioned I hope it makes you laugh. 
> 
> To all my fellow anxiety driven fam: You’re doing amazing sweetie 💙

**_“Go Leafs Go! Go Leafs Go!”_ **

It’s deafening. The chanting of the fans would be strong enough to bring the entirety of SB Arena to the ground with the force of the fans combined voices. Sometimes Auston wonders if he could feel the full vibrations if he’d press a bare hand to the cold sheet of ice beneath his skates. Sometimes he feels the bare hint of it when he takes a knee beside Freddie but once Freddie starts talking, successfully gaining Auston’s full attention, the vibrations seem to disappear.

Today the vibrations shake under him so much that he almost loses his balance, although the chanting is nothing compared to the heavyweight sitting on his shoulders now that not only Travis and Jake are out but joining them are Kappy and Zach. All four key players whose absence is very clear straight down the lineup, and Babs’ blender looks like it’s going to be in full action until a good number of those four come back in full health.

Auston sends up a quick prayer for Freddie and Sparks because it’s not going to fun for them especially, he’s already mentally preparing himself for the Freddie Death Stare that’ll surely make an appearance in the upcoming games. He has no idea how many times he can change his media answers about the same question but at least the reporters in the room won’t call him out on it, it hasn’t been this bad for awhile.

The heavy banging on the boards, kids screaming, lights flashing and the never ending chanting cloud his head up until someone blocks the overhead lights casting a small shadow over him making him look up to find his favorite smile aimed right at him, “Hey, Mitchy.”

Mitch’s smile softens as he bends at the waist, his stick resting against his thighs. There’s a hint of something in those beautiful blues that make Auston swallow thickly, he’s never sure how Mitch just knows when he needs him.

“Hey, Matty. Looked a little lonely over here.”

Every other sound turns into meaningless background noise as Auston adjusts his knee against the ice, his attention fully on Mitch, who goes about reading the different signs he can see in the stands (a thing Auston’s sure started sometime during their rookie season when Auston got lost too much in his head and Mitch needed a way to get his attention). Auston watches the way Mitch’s throat works as he talks, the twist of his hands around his stick, the never disappearing grin on his lips and the tiny smile forever printed on his glove.

Hockey changes, every game is a new challenge, but Mitch will always be Mitch and that in itself is one of the few things that keeps Auston’s sanity in check. Familiar and constant. Just how Auston likes it.

“Listen to this one, ‘Songs about AM34: 3. Songs about McDavid? 1.’ Remind me to download that new song about you for my ‘Prince of the Six’ playlist.”

Auston has to lean his head low so that the cameras hopefully don’t catch his ridiculous laugh or the stupidly fond smile that he can never seem to get under control whenever Mitch is around him. He tries to school his face as best as he can before looking back up at Mitch but that flies out the window the second their eyes connect, both of their faces break out into matching grins which makes something twist deep in Auston’s chest, “I’m going to cancel your Spotify account.”

Mitch presses a hand to his chest, a look of faux sadness plastered across his face as he stands to his full height, “You wouldn’t.” Auston grins which earns him a sharp smack from the blade of Mitch’s stick to his thigh, “Don’t be rude to me, Matthews. I’m still the one who drives your half asleep ass to practice every morning. The youth is truly ungrateful.”

Auston rubs at his thigh as he gives Mitch a deadpan look before getting up himself to finish up some pregame stick work before they head back inside, “Again, you’re only three months older than me. Which is surprising considering that I actually look like a twenty-one year old and not a sixteen year old twerp.” The second Auston finishes his chirping he takes off, a very unamused Mitch hot on his heels.

The sounds of the arena are muted by the sounds of Auston’s laughter and the outrageously dumb threats Mitch hurls at him as they weave through teammates in a game of cat and mouse, up until Pat grabs Mitch by the scruff of his jersey pulling him to halt, “Can you two please refrain from causing each other and the people around you bodily harm by playing nice?”

Mitch tries, despite knowing the unlikely chance of it working, puppy dog facing Pat, who Mitch forgets is raising four kids with far better bargaining skills than Mitch and Auston combined. Auston snickers at the defeated pout on Mitch’s face when Pat gives him one of his classic dad faces but then that face is aimed at Auston and he deflates instantly, “Mitch started it.”

The shocked squawk that Mitch lets out catches the attention of Muzz who skates over to see what the ruckus is about, “Patty, please control your children. We have a game to play here.”

Mitch uses Pat giving Jake a tired look to slip out of his hold and skate over to Auston, punching him lightly on the arm before skating to the bench with a huff, “You’re no longer my best friend, I’m giving your friendship bracelet to Johnny.”

Now here’s the thing: Auston likes JT. John’s got this weird sense of humor, makes a mean spaghetti and meatballs, and has a fantastic hockey brain but what Auston doesn’t really like is how quickly Mitch plastered himself to John and claimed him as his bestest buddy. Auston can sympathize for Mitch seeing as his last line mates can’t hold a candle up against JT and the magic he and Mitch have created over the course of the season so far. That still doesn’t mean Auston doesn’t get that weird twist of jealousy in the pit of his stomach anytime Mitch goes on one of his JT tangents.

(Auston gets it, really he does, John is an amazing person with a big heart and a whole new perspective now that he’s here living out a childhood dream just like the other GTA guys. And secretly Auston wishes he could turn back all the clocks to go back and win that game against the Islanders for JT but the city of Toronto did him one better, they almost brought the whole arena down with how hard the cheered for him when his name was called. When the city of Toronto loves you, it loves you.)

Mitch must’ve realized that Auston wasn’t trailing after him because he turns to look at Auston with confusion before it melts into something that Auston can’t quite put a name on, “Matty? Are you okay?”

Auston can school his face to give off zero emotions, comes after years of having some of the stupidest questions thrown at him, but there are a few people he can’t do it to: His family, Babs, Pat, Mo, Freddie and more importantly Mitch. He’d give anything to able to close off his face right about now, “I’m fine. Just...I should probably go stretch with Fred before he kills me for ruining our pregame routine.”

And as expected Mitch doesn’t look the slightest bit convinced as he inches back over to Auston which is exactly the last thing Auston wanted, that itch to reach out and tug Mitch in and hold him flares up any time he’s close enough for it. That deep rooted need to just hold him and tell him just how much he loves him, how he knows his jealousy towards JT is downright stupid and how he should just use his damn words but he can’t and it aches so damn much.

Mitch is staring up at him with that look that says so much without saying anything at all and boy does Auston not need a full heart to heart before this game right now, “I’m fine, Mouse. Just a lot going on in my head, you know how it is.” Mitch doesn’t waver but Auston’s not the master of deflection for nothing, “I’m serious, Mitch. Just...Just drop it okay?” In an instant something akin to hurt flashes in Mitch’s eyes before it’s replaced with a closed off stare.

“Fine.”

Auston watches Mitch forgo the bench in favor of heading straight down the tunnel, a heavy feeling settling in the pit of his stomach just as the noise of the arena picks up again, loud and ground shaking as Auston skates his way over to where Freddie is.

Auston rests on his knee beside Freddie, the sounds refusing to settle down no matter how much he tries to let Freddie’s voice wash over him, it’s too much to handle and it must show on his face because Freddie turns his body just enough to use his blocker to hide the way he’s taken off his glove to squeeze at Auston’s wrist, “Matts. Breathe. In and out. Focus on my voice.”

It’s hard to focus when every sound imaginable seems to be rushing through Auston’s ears, the swish of skates against the ice, pucks hitting the boards and pipes, players talking over each other, fans screaming and yelling as they bang against the boards, the arena broadcast system gets lost within the other noises leaving Auston wanting nothing more than to press his palms to his ears and make it all just go away, “I’m going to- I’m going to the room…”

Auston can’t tell you how he managed to get off the ice without falling, head spinning as he weaves through teammates until he can step over and head down the tunnel. There’s a group of kids cheering when he’s halfway to the room, he gathers the energy to lift his arm for a few fist bumps before he picks up speed to get to the locker room as quickly as he can once that familiar ache crawls up his chest.

Auston barely acknowledges the people manning the door before he’s pushing his way into the locker room moving past a confused trainer to make his way to his stall. He throws off his helmet and gloves, shoving them into the overhead compartment just as the twisting in his chest gets worse. Auston can see the way his hands shake, his eyes stinging with unshed tears as he turns to drop his body into his stall.

_“Matts. Breathe. In and out. Focus on my voice.”_

With eyes screwed shut Auston tries to focus on his breathing, body leaned forward with his face in his hands as he tries desperately to stop the rising panic deep in his chest but nothing seems to be working which only makes things worse.

_Ten_

Auston tries to take in a breath but it comes in too shaky making his chest ache, he tries again until he gets it.

_Nine_

He rubs his hands over his uniform trying to psych himself up to try again but his eyes are already glossy with tears.

Taking a breath still hurts.

_Eight_

The first few drops of tears start falling and Auston’s out of his stall and making his way to the showers in a heartbeat.

His breath feels ragged like he’s just come off a shift, he tries to slow it down but it’s no use.

_Seven_

His grip on the faucet keeps slipping against his will, hands too shaky to get a proper grip and his vision hopeless due to the tears making their way down his cheeks.

Deep one in. Long one out. Just like the trainers always say.

_Six_

Auston bangs his fist against the wall next to the mirror looking up at himself seeing the blurry image of his blotchy face staring back at him.

He rests both hands against the cool tile before taking a deep breath in but almost chokes on the release.

_Five_

He feels pathetic, a full grown ass man having a panic attack right before a game like the whole team isn’t counting on him. Useless.

Auston shakes his head frantically. No. Not useless.

_Four_

Auston manages to get the faucet turned to cup just enough water to wash his face a few times before closing it when the sound becomes too loud. He doesn’t notice anyone in the showers with him as he grips the sink trying to keep himself upright.

_Three_

His shoulders shake, his legs ache with how long he’s been standing there not realizing he’s still in his skates. It’s a miracle he didn’t fall the second he stepped into the showers.

He carefully moves until he can use the wall to slowly slide down until he’s on the floor with his knees pulled up close to his chest, his head buried between them.

_Two_

Auston jumps when he hears the familiar sound of plastic slides against the cold tile of the floor, he looks up to find Mitch standing there with wide eyes staring at Auston with a look that he can’t quite make out what it means nor does he really want to right now.

“Matty? What’s...Are you having a panic attack?”

_One_

Deep breath in. Long breath out. Deep breath in. Long breath out.

Auston puts his head back down between his knees refusing to look up at Mitch as he hugs his knees tighter wishfully hoping that Mitch will just go away and leave Auston to deal with his embarrassment alone. But this is Mitch Marner and Mitch Marner has never seen a friend in need and turned his back on them.

“Matts, talk to me. Please...I want to help you.”

Auston feels a pair of hands rest over the arms he has wrapped around his knees, a thumb rubbing soothing circles around his wrist, “I-I’m fi-“

“Say you’re fine and I swear to god I will beat you over the head with your own stick.”

Auston quiets down, his chin resting on his knees as he lets Mitch move until he’s sat right beside him, a hand rubbing along Auston’s back. The two sit there for a little bit until Mitch speaks up again and says the words Auston’s been dreading to hear, “I should go get Babs.”

While the last thing Auston wants to do is tell his coach that he had a panic attack right before a game but it’s for the best seeing as exhaustion is coming in fast, “Okay…”

Mitch leaves him with a final squeeze to his shoulder before getting up to go get Babs and a trainer leaving Auston to wipe a hand down his face as he lets out tired breath.

A few minutes later Babs and one of the trainers come in with Mitch nervously trailing behind them. Babs has that worried crease between his brows as he bends down beside the trainer who works on getting Auston’s arm gear off to check on his blood pressure.

“Talk to me, Matty. What happened?”

Auston feels like he’s fifteen again, after his first panic attack when Uncle Boris found him in the locker room instead of on the ice working on his drop passes.

“I-I had a panic attack. I don’t know what set it off, Coach. I’m sorry-“

A heavy hand settles on the side of his neck forcing Auston to look up at Babs, who doesn’t look too happy but he doesn’t look mad at Auston, just very unhappy about the situation at hand.

“Don’t you ever apologize for something like this ever again, you hear me? Auston, this isn’t something that you should be ashamed of. We’re your family and family is there for each other, so the next time something like this happens I don’t want you to run and hide from us. Understood?”

Auston swallows against the tightness in his throat as he nods his head at Babs, not trusting himself to say anything. He’s emotionally drained as is, he doesn’t think he can handle anything more right now.

“Good. Now I want you to get changed and order a ride home.” Babs holds up a hand when Auston opens his mouth to try reasoning with him, “You are in no shape to be playing tonight. I’ll have someone come up with a lie. Go home and rest kid, you’ve had enough action for one night.”

Auston lets the trainer and Mitch help him off the floor before he nods his head at Babs, “I’ll get changed when you guys head out...Thanks, Coach.”

Babs gives Auston’s shoulder one last squeeze before walking out with the trainer leaving Mitch and Auston alone in awkward silence.

Auston breaks the silence with a soft cough, his smile a little strained despite its sheepish nature, “So you should probably-“

Mitch wraps his arms around Auston’s torso, burying his face against Auston’s chest as he holds onto him for what feels like dear life, “Next time…Next time please don’t hide something like this from me.”

That tightness in his throat comes back as he carefully lays an arm around Mitch holding him close before they slowly pull away after Auston whispers a soft, “I promise…”

Mitch looks up at Auston with a look that very clearly says they’re still going to talk about this at a later time but neither comment on it as Mitch turns to leave the showers to finish getting ready, leaving Auston to get changed as the guys file out of the room.

‘Well that just happened.’

Is the first thing that Auston thinks of as he rests his head against the cold glass of the cab window and watches the city move past. That last thing he ever expected to happen at the arena was a panic attack before a game but nothing should really surprise him anymore when it comes to the way his anxiety works.

He barely has the door to his house open before a loud meow gains his attention. A small smile makes its way onto Auston’s face as he moves further inside to find Salem waiting for him at the beginning of the corridor, “Hello to you too, Salem. Missed me?”

Salem meows softly as he moves around Auston’s ankles, quiet purring rumbling out of him until Auston finally bends down and lifts Salem into his arms, “Yeah...I missed you too buddy.”

Auston carries Salem into his room, setting him on his bed before moving to his closet to change while Salem makes himself comfortable on his side of the bed. A warm feeling blooms in Auston’s chest at the sight when he comes back out in his normal sleepwear.

“Comfy already?”

Salem only swishes his tail a little in acknowledgement as Auston settles in beside him, waiting until his human stops moving to settle in his lap a clear sign that scratches and pets are wanted, which Auston gives him without a second thought.

(Somewhere deep inside of Auston’s chest, he thinks he knows what Salem is doing. He doesn’t try to think about it too much, but if there’s one thing he’s sure of, it’s that he’s really happy to have found Salem that day.)

The duo stay like that through a few episodes of the Office when a text comes in from Mitch telling Auston to open up the door for him.

Auston looks down at Salem and sighs softly before setting him back in his spot, “Looks like Mitch isn’t about to let me off the hook so easily, Salem. Think you can distract him for me?”

Salem justifies Auston with a yawn before resting his head on his paws to promptly fall asleep, leaving his human to fend for himself.

Auston sighs as he scratches the top of Salem’s head before heading out of his room to buzzer Mitch in, “Knew I could always count on you, Salem.”

Mitch shows up at Auston’s door with sushi and what looks like ice cream and a new cat toy because Mitch spoils Salem almost as much as Auston does. He lifts the bags higher, giving Auston a small grin, “I come bearing gifts?”

With a fond shake of his head Auston moves aside to let Mitch into his house, “Salem’s in my room, we were watching the Office before you texted.” As they walk down the hall Auston turns to give Mitch a look, “I honestly thought you’d head out with the guys after the win.”

Mitch shrugs as he follows Auston into the room, setting the food down on the empty side table before getting onto the bed carefully avoiding Salem still asleep in the middle, “Didn’t feel like heading to a club tonight. Besides, we still have a lot to talk about.”

The sigh that comes out of Auston is a mixture of tiredness and dread, he was right about Mitch not dropping the subject of Auston’s panic attack easily. It’s sweet but the last thing Auston wants to do right now is talk about the day’s events. He wipes a hand down his face before getting onto the bed too, “Can’t whatever you want to talk about wait until tomorrow?”

Mitch’s hands stop half way into the takeout bag, turning his head to look over at Auston with a raised brow that tells Auston that there’s not an inch of room for discussion on the matter. Just his luck that his best friend is a persistent little shit that puts his friends above all else. God help Auston, he’s hopelessly in love with this idiot.

A box of sushi and a Gatorade get handed to Auston along with a pair of chopstick that he cleans up as he watches Mitch gently nudge Salem’s side with his index finger, waiting until Salem’s tail starts twitching dangerously to speak.

“Hey, Brat. I brought your favorite.”

Auston bites back a laugh while watching Mitch pull out a small round container that contains a mixture of shrimp and scallops, “I thought you said that Salem didn’t deserve your love last time.”

Mitch snorts as he places the small container onto the bag before moving it over to a now very awake Salem, who like his father, would never say no to a meal. With a final scratch to Salem’s head Mitch turns to smile slightly at Auston, “I say the same thing about you and yet here I am.”

Suddenly the sushi in his lap doesn’t have much appeal anymore as Auston looks at Mitch with a frown, it seems like Mitch’s little intervention will be starting earlier than Auston originally thought.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Mitch sighs softly as he leans back against the headboard, arms crossed over his chest with his food still on the side table untouched. He has this look on his face that speaks volumes, Mitch is a far easier book to read than Auston that’s for sure.

“You can’t possibly be this dense, right? Auston, how many times is it going to take me literally begging you to talk to me about what’s bugging you for you to get it?”

The laugh that comes out of Mitch sounds so hollow that Auston swears it echoes in his head, “I keep telling myself that maybe he’ll finally get it today, but you just shut me out. Like you always do. I’m your best friend, aren’t I? Don’t best friends tell each other things? Like, ‘Hey I have anxiety and I get panic attacks.’ You didn’t think I’d judge you, did you?”

Auston never thought Mitch would ever in a million years judge him for having anxiety, that’s not the type of person Mitch Marner is, it’s just that Auston has never felt comfortable sharing anything personal like this with someone outside of his family. But this is Mitch, his best friend and the guy he’s been hopelessly in love with for the past three years. It’s due time Auston took a chance and talked to Mitch about it.

The deep rooted need to lift up the hood of his hoodie and bury his fingers into his hair, claws at Auston’s chest but he squares his shoulders preparing himself to put a few things out on the table, “I had my first panic attack in a hockey rink back home in Arizona and it fucking sucked more than getting beaten by the Bruins.”

Swallowing around the lump in his throat Auston looks at Mitch, searching his eyes for something he knows he won’t find before continuing with his story, “I was fifteen. Uncle Boris and I were working on some drills for what felt like hours, but I never asked for a break. I wanted to be the best and to me the best never took breaks, fifteen year old me didn’t have his shit together at all.”

It takes Auston a few seconds before he continues, a short laugh slipping out of his mouth as he leans his elbows on his knees, “I still kinda don’t but back then my number one goal was to be the best, I had so much riding on making it especially because I was just some mixed kid from the wrong side of the sunbelt. That day none of my passes were working and I just kept getting more and more frustrated until I felt my chest get tight.”

Mitch reaches across the bed with his palm up, a silent invitation that Auston doesn’t hesitate to take. With their fingers intertwined Auston lets the pressure of Mitch’s hand in his keep him grounded, “I couldn’t breathe. I was literally the only kid on the ice without a single person around me but I swear I could hear every single noise in that arena. I barely made it into the locker room before I was doubled over in pain unable to take in a proper breath, that’s how uncle Boris found me and he managed to calm me down enough before calling in one of the staff members to check me out.”

Three squeezes to his hand remind him that Mitch is still there listening to Auston, which causes him to take three deep breaths before continuing on, “My parents took me to see a therapist that weekend. I didn’t want to go but my mom promised that no matter what happened, they’d always have my back no matter what. The doctor diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder, which wasn’t the highlight of my life but it at least put a label on what was wrong, which made it easier to swallow.”

Auston knows that Mitch isn’t expecting him to give out his whole life story tonight but he remembers what his therapist said about talking to the people in his life that he trusts the most and he definitely trusts Mitch, “I haven’t stopped seeing a therapist since then.” He notices Mitch’s eyes widen a bit but he just smiles softly at his shock, Auston is officially tired of holding things back.

“Management knows that my doctor is different than the team issued one, she’s a really nice woman named Dr. Daniela Ramirez but she made me start calling her Dani after my eighteenth birthday.”

The smile on Auston’s face is one that Mitch doesn’t usually get to see during the season, it’s the smile that’s usually reserved for Arizona visits or when Auston is on the phone with his family. Mitch really loves this particular smile.

“We have Skype sessions during the season and in person sessions when I’m back home in Arizona. Dani really helped me a lot last season when my shoulder got messed up, I went into a mindset that I don’t really like talking about but she helped a lot. I owe her more than she’ll ever understand for helping me.”

The room goes quiet again, the tv muted so the only sounds are Salem’s soft snoring from where he’s pressed up against Austons thigh. Mitch knows that it was a lot on Auston to talk about this but Mitch is happy that he was trusted enough to be told about it, “Thank you for trusting me, Matty. I’m really fucking proud of you.”

The blush on Auston’s face makes Mitch’s heart soar, he looks absolutely beautiful in a way that makes Mitch want nothing more than to lean over and kiss him but he doesn’t, especially not after the night Auston’s had. Mitch just squeezes his hand again before handing Auston his chopsticks back without letting go of his hand, “Lets eat.”

Auston knows they’ve got more to unravel, not just from his end but from Mitch’s end too but he’s ready to take that leap knowing that Mitch has got him no matter what, “Thanks for caring, Mitchy...It means a lot.”

Mitch smiles widely with his mouth stuffed full of sushi, hand still holding Auston’s but all he cares about is the fact that they’re both doing this together, “Just goes to show that you’re stuck with me, Matthews.”

Auston leans over and gently presses a kiss to Mitch’s cheek making his eyes widen in shock, “Matty...”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Marner.”

**Author's Note:**

> Y’all can find me on tumblr @ scaredycatmatthews so hop over and give me ideas to write about.


End file.
